I Like My Thick Waist...Said No Woman Ever

Confession Time

Hi, I'm Miranda and I was born without a waist. This little talked about affliction blights the lives of many women. We suffer in silence, wearing baggy tops and boyfriend jumpers. Tight, figure-hugging clothing makes us inwardly weep with rage, jealously and dread.

Okay, okay, so it is not all that bad. I'm not on a body-hating rampage. I'm just pointing out that some of us are not so blessed as to naturally go in and out around the middle.

So Where Is My Waist?

My waist is so non-descript that when it comes to measuring it, I'm not really sure where it actually is. I just randomly wrap the tape measure around me, somewhere under my rib cage and think, "yep, that will do" (whilst secretly sobbing into my wine over the ridiculously large number). Sometimes I will move the tape measure up and down my body, hoping that at some point the measurement will register *under 30". This has not yet worked.

*nb. my waist is not even close to 30", 30" would be like a dream!

Crapwaisters Unite

If you are one of those women who happily slink around the world with your diddy waist and crazy curves then GO. Leave this page and never darken it's door again. This waist talk isn't for you.

However, if you are lacking in the IN bits and heavy on the OUT bits around your middle, a bit like a tree trunk then, hi, you are a fellow crapwaister. I believe the polite term is "short waisted".

The Hard Sell

Running a shapewear shop, I'm obviously going to sell you some shapewear here. And this is it. It is called the Esbelt Waist Cincher and it is bloody good.

It is the piece of shapewear I would take to the shapewear awards (if there is such a thing). It would win Queen Shapewear. It wouldn't win **Empress Shapewear (the top award) as it looks fairly ugly. And it does smell of rubber before you give it a wash.

** nb. no shapewear has ever won Empress Shapewear. The criteria is too high, nothing that awesome exists.

Slimmer Of The Week

Oh, and you can't really eat huge quantities of food whilst you are wearing it. Some see this as a negative, but I see that as a big plus point. In fact, when I crank my lardy bum into gear and get myself down to Slimming World (5th time's a charm, don't they say?) I "cheat" and wear my waist cincher. Not to the meetings, noooo, they weigh far too much (thongs are good for weigh-in day as they are so light). I wear it during the week as it stops me from eating all the food.

I think of it as a "healthy" version of having one of those balloons inflated in your stomach. But in reverse. It flattens your stomach, making it almost impossible to eat lots (although chocolate Mikados and wine do still slip down very easily).

I did feel a bit like Anne Diamond the last time I went to Slimming World and lost 4lbs. "What did you do differently this week?", "oh, I just stuck to plan and weighed everything..." (liar, liar pants on fire).

So, back to the hard sell. If you don't have a waist and don't mind buying your food off the kids menu, buy an Esbelt Waist Cincher.

So How Does It Work?

You wrap it around your waist, fasten it down the front with industrial strength hooks and eyes and WHAM. It sucks you in at the waist. It also flattens out your belly pretty nicely too. Especially that hideous flappy apron thing you get low down on your stomach. Doesn't everyone over 30 have one of those or is it just me?

Getting it on is quite a task. You might need to lie down on the bed to do it up, especially if you want to wear it on the tightest setting. This does require lots of effort, but if you are wearing a fitbit it does clock up the steps without even leaving your bed.

Very Darcey Bussell

Once you are hooked in, bending at the waist is no longer an option. You are now at the mercy of your waist cincher. You cannot bend but my god, your posture will look positively balletic. Being forced to stand up so straight has the amazing effect of making you look slimmer AND your boobs look better. It's a bit like constantly being on "the bust" thrust out, as in "I must, I must, I must improve my bust".

Smoothly Does It

"But where does all that spare flesh go", I hear your cry? "My spare tyre can't just vanish into thin air!"

Because the Esbelt Waist Cincher is so flipping strong, it manages to contain most of your wobbly bits inside. It is made from latex with boning, so it's a bit like wearing a straight jacket. It also covers most of your middle body, from the top of your pants to just under your boobs. So by the time the ripples of flesh have reached the top or bottom, they have pretty much dispersed. Nothing really can escape.

My Top Tip: if you do get any bulgy bits at the top or bottom of your waist cincher, tuck it (the waist cincher, not your bulges) into your knickers and under your bra. This smoothes things out and gives you a far nicer line. Think vest in pants.

Prove That It Works Then

This very un-lovely photo is the less-spotted ME! Yes, I'm headless, I prefer all photos to be taken this way. Especially family portraits.

My "waist" before putting on my Esbelt Waist Cincher is 89cm (goes and lies down in a darkened room for having admitted that to another person).

My waist after with the Esbelt Waist Cincher on is 82cm. I'm wearing it on the widest setting too - if I cranked it in a bit more I would be another few cms smaller.

Does It Work For Everyone?

Nope. Nothing does.

Avoid buying one if you are super short in the body. The Esbelt Waist Cinchers are fairly long from top to bottom. Tiny people will get poked in the boobs by the boning.

Avoid the Esbelt Waist Cincher like the plague if you are allergic to rubbery latex. It is riddled with the stuff. It's what makes it so amazingly strong.

(that's a rubber plant, in case you are confused by the greenery)

For those who just don't like the sounds of wearing rubber, it isn't like some weird fetish garment. It looks pretty staid and old maidy, not even a sniff of kinkiness. It is also lined with cotton, so you are not wearing rubber directly against your skin.

Whack-o Claims

Lots of other websites, especially in the US go on about how by wearing your Esbelt Waist Cincher for 10 hours a day, you will lose inches and your waist will be smaller WITHOUT the waist cincher being on.

I've owned a waist cincher (several in fact) for years. I've never had the staying power to test the claims that it makes your waist smaller. I don't wear anything for 10 hours a day, except my pyjamas. And to do it every day for even a week just wouldn't happen with me. I wear my waist cincher when I'm dieting (as you might have gathered this is a sporadic thing), when I'm going out (once a week if I'm lucky!) and when my back hurts.

I'm guessing if you have the time, patience and perseverance it will work. But only by squeezing you in. And stopping you from eating. I'm not convinced by the micro-massage sweaty thing they talk about. And they do say in really small print that once you stop wearing it daily, the results will reverse.

Baby Baby

Another claim is that it helps with getting your figure back after having a baby. They reckon it pushes everything back into place after labour. If this sounds odd to you, I promise you, this is "a thing". Binding your body after childbirth is apparently quite normal in some countries.

I've had two babies and the LAST thing I wanted to do after giving birth was to stick a sodding waist cincher round my waist for 10 hours a day. What I wanted to do was to lie on the sofa wearing the comfiest clothes possible (I wore a pair of pyjamas from Asda that were 2 sizes too big, they were the best). Nothing hurty, scratchy, boney and definitely nothing TIGHT!

Back Ache

My Esbelt Waist Cincher has been a bit of a life saver in 2017. I hurt my back a while ago and since having kids it has started playing up again. Yes, it is the kids fault, not my lack of fitness or dedication to the sofa. As soon as my back starts twingeing, I stick on my waist cincher. It supports it, just like a normal back support thing from the chiropractor does. It really does help it. That, and some whacking great painkillers.

Convinced Waist Cinchers Are Good?

Buy one here and let me know what you think. They cost £34.95 and you can get FREE UK delivery (other more pricey postage options are available). They come in UK dress sizes 4 to 28 (who takes a dress size 4?) and in colours beige and black.

Because we are not crooks and like a fair deal, we give you 60 days to return it if you are not more than highly satisfied.